Illumination Movies Ranked

This is a company most animation buffs view as inferior quality to the other studios, but culturally they are the real top dogs with all the money they make, and how loved they are by general audiences. They are full of movies I find mediocre at best, but time to look into them. Here is my rankings of them before their next film makes 700M at worst case scenario.

Four Tree Stars

1. Despicable Me

Yes, everybody’s top pick. It is their only film to somewhat take itself seriously, and it really does have quite the satisfying emotional arc. I recently rewatched it for the first time in years, and I was surprised at how good it is. It is great at balancing a dark family plot with comedic antics. The surprise stand out was Dr. Nefario.

2. Despicable Me 4

For the first time since the first one I actually felt something from this franchise, focus. I mostly hear bad things about it online, but I sure enjoyed it enough to make this spot, and this is a purely subjective post.

Three Tree Stars

3. Despicable Me 2

Again, I rewatched it for this list for the fist time in years, and I was surprised at how good it is. Sure it has some jokes I find distinctly unfunny, but there were many I enjoyed (particularly if they involved Edith).

4. Despicable Me 3

Disappointing, but it gave me some laughs.

5. Minions 2

Same with where this franchise has been. Nothing special to a full grown man, but it is worth some laughs.

6. Sing

Finally, a movie not from Gru and friends. It gave exactly what the trailer promised, and I found it funny. I watched it several times as background noise during college, and it is great at that, which is a good summary for Illumination at their best. I am sure it helps I saw it in theaters like the first Despicable Me.

7. Minions

You know the drill. Nothing special, but it has enough comedy that I can reliably have a good time watching it. One key thing I noticed from this list is Gru is by far their best protagonist. He really brings some much needed drama to these comedies while still being really funny. Future film historians should study him closely.

8. Sing 2

Unfocused and the best character is gone, but it had highlights.

9. Migration

Decent children’s movie that gave me very little enjoyment as an adult.

Two Tree Stars

10. Secret Life of Pets

I saw this in theaters and just watched for the first time since (though I rewatched the first few minutes as background noise before turning it off once). It is not good. It is incredibly cliched, and hardly any of it is funny. The one character I enjoyed was Snowball. I do not know if this is a hot take or not, but I find none of Gidget’s comedy funny at all.

11. Hop

The sucky version of Sonic the Hedgehog. I was rooting for the villain the whole time.

12. Super Mario Bros

I do not play the games, so I am sure this greatly diminished my enjoyment (and these last two are very low Twos). This was so boring, unfocused, badly animated, and full of badly fitted music. Donkey Kong was the only saving grace.

One Tree Star

13. Secret Life of Pets 2

Same as the first one, but now even more cliched and unfocused. I just wanted it to be over whenever Snowball was not on screen. The poor guy was stuck trying to carry so much dead weight.

14. The Lorax

This was painful to watch.

15. The Grinch

Why is The Grinch so friendly? They really suck at Dr. Seuss adaptations.

Next time-

Dragonheart 4: Battle for the Heartfire

DT-TV Wonders: The Butter Battle Book

What is the best adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s books. My pick is “The Lorax,” and I think most people would say “The Grinch.” According to the man himself it is this 1989 tv special directed by Ralph Bakshi.

 It starts with depressing mood with sad music and a somber narration by the grandson “On the last day of Summer ten hours before Fall.”  Hmmm. That sounds a like a weird way to say the date and time. His grandfather takes him to the wall, and he exposits the difference between themselves (Yooks) on one side and the Zooks on the other. The Zooks eat bread butterside down and Yooks eat it butterside up.

This is not a subtle cold war allegory, and I really do not think most of the symbolism works. There is a lot of differences between Communism and capitalism than that. The Wall being the Iron Curtain is a much nicer touch since it can illustrate both sides being very physically close, but the armed soldiers are replaced by civilians mocking each other. Another nice touch is the Yooks have their own pledge of allegiance to butter side up.

This pledge of allegiance is part of two saving graces this has. A common problem with overly dark art is it tries to present all problems as the work of one bad man, and this never does that. All the civilians except the grandson are fully supportive of exterminating the other side including the teachers and… Absolutely everybody. It does tell the viewer to analyze themselves and focus on their own “us vs. them” issues instead of just blaming our leaders or the other side.

Grandfather tells his grandson about his history as a soldier guarding the border. The timeline gets hard to understand, but more on that later. He tells about how he would chase and Zooks away with his switch, and it is clear he loves them being scared of him, but they have an equivalent, Vanitch. He slingshots away his weapon, and this sets up some episodic back and forth arms race. The general gist is Grandfather goes to their mayor whose scientists have made a tougher weapon. Grandfather goes back victorious. Then Vanitch who is doing the same off-screen comes back with a tougher weapon victoriously. The movie eventually cuts the parts from the book where Grandpa is victorious at all just having Vanitch already waiting with a better weapon, which does make grandpa more of a determined born unlucky loser.

That is mud, not poop.

Grandfather goes to the mayor, and instead he is greeted by a hand guiding him down miles and miles of stairs. The short loses all sound for a while making it eerie. They have made an explosive chemical and super compressed it into a marble sized device that when dropped will destroy all the Zooks. The mayor tells him to drop it, while he has ordered all Yooks underground.

There is one point where both the Yook and Zook citizens sing the same song about beating each other saying they are not so different and again states the problems are with the people, not just the guys in Moscow, Washington, or Whoville. At one point Grandfather is motivated by a corny “never give up” song, and I think Seuss was parodying ’90s Disney before it even happened. The actual message of the scene is that at times it is best to give up. In fact right after this song they go from weapons designed to hurt anybody going over the wall to damaging Zooks and Yooks even far away from the wall.

Look at those backgrounds to fit the mood all green and blue are gone briefly.

All the happy for war faces are gone.

Well, one comes back.

Next scene shows the Zooks also going underground. Grandfather continues with a serious smile and runs into his grandson.

Some narration by his grandson made it obvious something got cut, so I found it in the book. In the special Grandfather gave some exposition to give further details on his history as the military. Then apparently came the bomb, and he ran into his grandson on the way there. It is hard to tell what is a flashback and what is not. In the book it confirms that everything up to here has been a flashback. Before blowing up the place Grandpa gave a history lesson for this next line in both versions. “But perhaps this is all for the better somehow. You will see me make history right here and right now. You will see your old gramp put an end to them all.”

Before he drops it Vanitch shows up with his own bomb, and they have a standstill on the wall with the grandson teling Grandpa to be careful not to accidently drop it. Grandpa’s expressions keep changing from fear to anger. It end with “The End. (maybe).”

What was the first line again? “On the last day of Summer ten hours before Fall.”

This leads to the final saving grace, it goes all out.

I hate the general concept, but I think it is an impressive execution, especially when you can see the signs that Grandpa is not the kind old man he acts like. It is not something I enjoy watching, but I appreciate how dark they get it.

Next time on August 10th- Let’s try this again