August | 2020 | The Animation Historian

I am a huge history buff (and it will show in my upcoming Stargirl post), and I have no issue with historical movies going off the rails. I do have issues with people saying movies like this are historically accurate. If it was them losing battles with diseases and different dates would dominate the movie. Part of the problem with real history and movies is that real life is full of characters who just show up and leave the main story and everyone having the same name. Despite making many other changes this movie has three key characters named “John.” Partly because they decided now was the time to go halfway, from a franchise that went the other way, while making up all sorts of new stuff. If I was in charge John Rolfe would now be called Don Rolfe or something. It is the little things like that showing a lack of competence from the creators.

We start with… there is a commercial for The Black Cauldron. They somehow advertise it to look like a wholesome family film. Back to the film.

It has what should be a good opening, a fast paced action sequence where John Smith seemingly dies, but it introduces the main problem, it is a sequel. John Smith is way cockier and more invincible seeming here, and Ratcliffe, the villain, is a whole other character. Why not make this his more competent brother, or an entirely new villain? Someone who wants to exploit new lands with a basic understanding of the people there so he can beat them. How about an evil counterpart to Smith who is also an explorer and looks physically intimidating? Apparently Ratcliffe convinced King James that Smith was a traitor, and Ratcliffe was sent to arrest him. I guess James tried training foxes to guard his henhouse. I guess this also means the entire crew from the first film is dead, as they are never seen. No wonder my sister hates this movie. The first film is her favorite movie, and this already is just a bad follow up. Ratcliffe is now believed fully by James when he says the Indians are hording gold and an armada must be sent to squash them.

Next scene is in the winter of Virginia where everyone is physically holding up really well. I have no idea how. Pocahontas is missing Smith despite that it should be months until news arrives. I guess the colors of the wind told her or something. These next few minutes are really dull. The tone is unsure and flipping constantly moving between mourning and comedic. The designs do not match the story, and will someone shoot the heartless raccoon? He is starving that poor dog by eating all of his food. How are they being served modern dog biscuits? It is more interesting that watching Pocahontas stare at her compass. John Rolfe (the Captain in Titanic) arrives, and because of his name Pocahnotas has to constantly vocally him by both names. The colonists and Indians almost go to war (finally some excitement), but sadly for us Rolfe and Pocahontas end it. Rolfe and Pocahontas are perfect for each other. They both come across as pompous, rude, and xenophobic. Rolfe is also established as sexist. Most movies would settle for a line or two, but this movie makes him constantly show it within the first 15 minutes making it seem like his only character trait. Pocahontas comes off as no better for being furious at Rolfe for being better than her at stopping war. She comes off as nothing but mopey and self righteous. Still a better love story than The Killing Joke.

Rolfe needs the chief to come back with him to England to make a case for James, but Powhatan instead wants James to come to him, and he sends Pocahontas in his place with a bodyguard. Most viewers like the bodyguard for his comically serious nature, but I found it to get old really fast. Pocahontas asks Grandma Willow for advice and…

Augh! Moving on.

The trio and the trio of animals go to London, and we get to a song. Gone are the days where I described every song in a movie, mainly because how I hate the Disney DTV songs overall. I find all but two forgettable in this movie, but I kind of like “What a Day in London.” I actually found myself humming it a few times, and find it to be decently catchy. I also had a big smile at Shakespeare’s cameo even if he was dead by that time in real life. With the messed up timeline I would not care if they showed Winston Churchill interviewing Alfred the Great for his book. Again I want my historical films to either devote to historical accuracy or accept that they are not, and this film is at its best when it does the former. Pocahontas starts to fall for Rolfe’s deontological ethics, which unfortunately is not interesting to watch.

Ratty brags about his Armada and support from King James. This leads to running gags like Bodygaurd eating sandwiches, putting Mrs. Jenkins’s glasses on, and characters sipping tea. How I miss Bartok the Magnificent‘s comedy.

After that Ratty convinces the King to bring Pocahontas to a ball where she can be humiliated by him there and… Sorry, I cannot take this dopey looking guy with those bows seriously. At all. This movie should never have been a sequel. For marketing it had to be, but it makes the movie so much worse. It is weakened by forcing so many characters and deigns from the first movie. It gains the dislike of haters of the first movie. It also breaks up the couple from the first movie making its fans hate it. Honestly I have never heard of a single person online or offline say they like it. Sure a few people who say they hate all DTV films say it is one of the least bad, but they dislike it too.

Is it time to say something good about the movie again. I kind of like the detail that the pug is now scared of Ratty. I am really reaching here, as even the best parts of this movie are very few and not very good either.

Pocahontas then tries to learn English customs, and I hate this scene. Her trying to work with English customs is portrayed as betrayal of her values, but I disagree. Part of being a diplomat is speaking the language of the new place. It reminds me of that part in “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Pocahontas makes Wonder Woman look like a wonderful diplomat, as she puts effort in fitting in and respecting the foreigners’ ways. Knowing me I will soon be calling Pocahontas “Sucky Wonder Woman.”

Pocahontas does surprisingly well thanks to Rolfe’s coaching, and then comes the second memorable song. “Things are nothing like they seem.” It is not good, but it as least kept my attention. It is distracting that one of the singers is voiced by James’s actor. Ratty gets them to torture a bear, and predictably Pocahontas defends it, and this results in James locking her up and sending the Armada. This is the best scene in the movie due to Ratty actually making intelligent choices, and Pocahontas’s action defending it showing a culture clash. Admittedly it is awkward when Pocahontas calls her love interest by both names.

She and the bodyguard are locked up in the tower of London. In a tavern a disguised ~~Steve Trevor~~ John Smith hears them say Pocahontas’s head will be chopped off so he grabs Rolfe, as they rescue her. They fight out. By fight I mean Smith and Rolfe compete in a game of fighting by using random objects and calling it “style.” This is never funny and just makes the English guards look weak. 1/2 the Johns says he started a thousand letters but… I guess he could never find a pen.

One thing bothering me is I keep hearing Beauty and the Beast actors. The only I can find is that David Ogden Stiers voiced Cogsworth and Ratty (and I believe an uncredited minor character), but it constantly sounds like the minor characters are impersonating Mrs. Potts and Lumiere.

Smith wants to hide and Rolfe wants to fight to save her people. Parts like this make me see why Pocahontas would choose Rolfe. He shows more respect for her needs to live rather than survive, and Smith is really annoying with his constant terrible jokes and cockiness.

Yikes is that smile badly animated. The general rule of thumb is the more interesting I find the animation the more screenshots I take. Not counting credits Bartok the Magnificent is 59:42 long. This movie is 1:08:00. Despite that Bartok had 15 screenshots to this movie’s 6. 238.8 seconds per shot vs 680 seconds per shot. By that flawed logic I found Bartok‘s animation to be 2.85 times better. That is not accounting for the fact that I had to remind myself to take screenshots of this movie, and for the other I had to remind myself to not take too many, because I really wanted to. I kind of want to test this rule of thumb on how I judge animation out. It is more interesting than the movie.

They just get Smith to go before James proving that Ratty was lying about his death. James says they should stop Ratty, but he has already left. Then Pocahontas says “We must try” That is a terrible line for right before a fade out, and that is a very anticlimactic way to solve the big internal crisis.

I just want to know what was Smith’s original plan, wait around in a tavern for eternity. If not for that rumor spread he would have missed the entire climax. If he is so freakishly stealthy why not pop up before the king well before this and solve the plot before it starts? Even when written much smarter Ratty needs multiple idiot plots to get anything done.

This results in a terrible fight when the three heroes arrive to stop the armada. They do this by dropping sailors in the water. Most could not swim, so they likely killed several of them. Who am I kidding none of these people would care about killing except maybe love sick Rolfe. In addition the fight is just bad. It is more of Rolfe and Smith making bad jokes, as they use objects to beat up hordes of sailors (how are they so good at fighting compared to them), and taking turns saving their damsel in distress. Why are Flint’s wings making kissing sound effects? Admittedly I like the detail that Ratty destroys the Union Jack.

In the resolution Smith offers Sucky wonder Woman a chance to join him on his new exploring expedition, but she politely refuses to join Rolfe.

This is really bad. I rarely review the Disney sequels except when I think it is time for a bad movie mainly because I already reviewed almost all the ones I like. They are typically retreads of the original or suck as sequels like breaking up the main couple and make me hate the characters. This movie has a horrendous score on IMDB, and again I know of nobody who likes it.

This movie gets one tree star, so at least it is better than True Story of Puss ‘n Boots.

Next time I review a film I ma very nostalgic for, and it is my cousin’s old favorite movie, The Seventh Brother. I have not seen it in around 15 years, so who knows what I will think. I remember cute stuff like.

And scary stuff like

I have no idea what to expect. Coming on September 1st (the birthday of my sister whose favorite movie is Pocahontas coincidentally).

In 1998 8 one minute long shorts were made about Mystery Inc in a documentary style for a 25 hour marathon of the show presumably to advertise Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Other than recordings they are only available on the VHS tape of Greatest Mysteries. They are a mix of interesting trivia and some stupid stuff. The animation is a mix of original and dubbed over old footage. The tone is lighthearted and more about poking fun at fan theories.

Short 1- There is some good information here like Shaggy found The Mystery Machine, and originally Mr. Blake just drove them around. I really like the scene where he is driving and everyone begs him to stop at a haunted house. He says no to his daughter’s frustration. He has the exact same voice as in Mystery Incorporated, and nothing else. I think every single show gave him a different name.

Short 2- accurate when they said Scooby has an Adam’s apple. Nothing else of note.

I love his Mystery Machine themed picture magnets

Short 3- Calls Shaggy a hippie. I never got that. They also compare Scooby snacks to drugs, and I do not find this funny. On the bright side they reveal that and why he used to be called “Buzz.”

Short 4- Brings up the rumors of Daphne and Fred being in a relationship, which I think started with “Bravo Dooby-Doo.” They also show her mom loving the idea of her being a supermodel but hating the idea of her being a detective. Were the producers of Mystery Incorporated inspired by this?

Angie looked way different, but her dad looks the same.

Short 5- The Velma one is pointless.

Short 6- With Fred they are back to the good stuff. He used to be in a traveling circus, and is the main source of entertainment on those long road trips thanks to his singing.

Short 7- Just a few gags with the villains.

Short 8- Some happy scenes of them reminiscing over unaired capers. I love how Fred then hugs them and says with no irony “I love you guys” just like the love for them he shows in Mystery Incorporated.

Overall these are not some must watch, but a decent usage of 8 minutes. I am glad I found that VHS at a thrift store, since it was moderately entertaining to go with the episodes.

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